How am I mentally? Emotionally?

Rather than another avatar (I love my "Queen for a Day" one too much to ever change it), I have adopted a    mammalian mascot to represent me in my blog and at public functions. We share a personality profile, sleep pattern and ugly nails, among other things.

Rather than another avatar (I love my “Queen for a Day” one too much to ever change it), I have adopted a mammalian mascot to represent me in my blog and at public functions. We share a personality profile, sleep pattern and ugly nails, among other things. (Pic courtesy


I say I will post more frequently in an attempt to engage in thinking, examining my thoughts, planning, typing, sourcing photos, etc., and so here is a little example. I started this post immediately after the “How am I physically?” post. That was Feb 13.  I came back to it at least four times. I had two appointments on Tuesday, one very emotional. I  fell asleep at 8 p.m., woke at 8 a.m. to make lunch and drive Luka to school, then went right back to bed at 8:50 and despite Tessa’s attempts to wake me, I missed my exercise class and a planned lunch after that. I couldn’t wake up, rouse, get my crap together, even when I knew I had to move. I slept until 4. I was asleep again between 7:30 and 10, then bedtime until 8 a.m. Fatigue sucks. Today I got Luka to school and I have a 1 p.m. appointment downtown. I am on my fourth cup of coffee. Now on with the post it took me six days to compose.

How am I mentally?

Lousy, low, lacking in confidence that my brain will recover and that I will stop craving/hating sleep. My brain feels as if it has turned to mush. I can’t get to the end of medical articles, the type of articles I eagerly inhaled even six months ago. Julia, work friend and fellow traveller in Cancerland, sent me a hopeful article a couple of weeks ago and I couldn’t even make sense of the illustrations, let alone the text.

What am I doing about it?

Reading. Doing soduko. Doing crosswords. Taping all appointments and playing them back so I can try to absorb more of what is said. Making lists. Beginning guided meditation for body sensing. Trying to find things that make me feel better, and do them.   This is actually very difficult, which I never would have believed before.

How am I doing emotionally?

Lousy, low, sad. Finding it very difficult to move forward. Three weeks ago I ran out of hot water while doing dishes around 6. I saw it as a sign to stop washing. After sleeping all evening in the living room, I couldn’t get any hot water while brushing my teeth. I took that as a sign to skip washing my face. In the morning, still no hot water. So at 11 I went to the basement to see if a switch was flipped and found the basement flooded from one side to the other, pouring down the floor drain, trapped everywhere around all the boxes and piles of laundry. A complete nightmare. The hot water tank rusted out and sprang a huge leak at the bottom, and just ran all night. We use the back half of the basement for storage, and while some things are in plastic boxes, lots weren’t. I had to throw away boxes of kids drawings and artwork, and photos, and magazines with my articles in them from pre-internet days. The living room and kitchen are still stacked with boxes and baskets and Christmas stuff, despite the fact I’ve been washing and sorting and tossing stuff every day. I would try to draw some parallels between the basement and my psyche, but it looks like too much work and I’ve no energy for it.

What am I doing about it?

Trying to get outside myself, meet up with a friend, do something nice for myself that doesn’t involve a trip to the Lindt outlet store or a bag of salt and vinegar chips. Got a new water heater. Make a little cleaning goal every day and try to do it.


8 Responses

  1. Hi Jackie, It’s hard to read all the crap you have to deal with. I wish I could be out there to help you to get things done around your house, or drive Luka to school, or buy your groceries or cook you all dinner. Why do I have to be so far away? sigh 😦

    I had the same thing with the hot water tank happen in my last house. My basement didn’t have a ton of stuff in it because I’d just finished renovating, but hadn’t done the floor (thankfully!) It took 18 months, but I did get a new floor out of the deal.

    On a positive note, I’m happy that you’re starting guided meditation. I started meditating seriously almost 6 months ago and it’s made a really big difference in the way I react to situations. I started with a phone app called Stop, Breathe & Think. A great place to start and helps to keep up the motivation to actually meditate. And it’s free. Worth looking into.
    Hang in there ❤

    • I wish you were here too!!

      Every thing in the basement know (as far as I have gotten) is in plastic. Until you have a flood, who thinks of what is stored how and where? Kids ceramic bunny plates and cups were all on the top shelves, paper art and photos on the bottom ones, in cardboard. I’m wiser now, if not sadder.

      I’m hoping the guided meditation works. I have been a deep breather to fight anxiety for years. I’m hoping this work with my psychiatrist will be key to getting over my fatigue.

      Thanks for being such a faithful reader and replier (that looks like an iffy word) — I love hearing from you.

  2. Thanks for putting it all out there — raw emotions and all. The basement flooding would have done it for me. Talk about the proverbial “straw.”

    • You understand! The flooding was the proverbial “straw” to my confidence that I was ready for real world things. This whole cancer nightmare was the proverbial “straw” in my super-stressed life. Now it’s a slow build-back. And building back with some balance.

  3. *hugs* cause that’s all I’ve got

  4. Love you 🙂

    The meditation sounds like a good idea. Breaking down big jobs into smaller more manageable bits is good too. AND you can get chocolate-covered potato chips so that kills two birds with one stone!

    • In addition to chocolate-covered potato chips, there is a Dairy Milk stuffed with pretzels, and another stuffed with caramel corn. Have tested and approved both for future food therapy sessions. I’ve been doing the guided meditation therapy every day, and I’ll be writing about that in a bit. Fatigue is the stupidest thing.

      I love you too 🙂

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